making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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