i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
