I wanna bring you to show and tell
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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