She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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