Where did you get a picture of my penis
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
