i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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