Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
