all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
