phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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