So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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