My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
