You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
