somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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