so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
