I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We talked him into tasing himself.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
