Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
