If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
