I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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