I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
