Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
