I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
