FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
