are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
