I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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