just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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