he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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