Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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