Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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