you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
