Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
