is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
