When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
