You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
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