I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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