My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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