What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
