Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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