Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You're a waste of cheezeits
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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