Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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