I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
