You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
