I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
