I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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