He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
