So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
