The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
