I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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