I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
