I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
