Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
